Developers hopped up on iPhone goofballs are seeking a quick buck by porting their terrible apps to the iPhone but are being denied by the finicky moderators down at 1 Infinite Loop.  This hubbub all started when some idiot posted a $999 app that does nothing and then some bigger idiot actually bought it.

I’m a big fan of the app store.  I use it every time I visit the restroom.  And after countless hours of pooling over all the apps, I came up with a quick list of applications that SHOULD BE REJECTED from the iPhone App Store.

#5 Sudoku Apps

Making a Sudoku game seems to be the pre-requisite for a startup to get their other apps on the store.  There are so many of these that I think Sudoku needs it’s own category because it’s clouding up the AppStore.  Of the 1039 games online right now, 59 of them are Sudoku games… and i bet another 970 are poker games.  1000+ games (and i have to scroll through all of them!?)  some of the fluff has to be eliminated.  Because honestly it’s getting impossible to find anything of interest. 

Number of Sudoku apps needed? 1

 

#4 Poker Apps

I couldn’t resist.  A quick search reveals 131 poker games.  Poker is poker.  These are all just clones of the same principle with slightly varying UI slapped on them.  There should be a digg-like feature on the AppStore and only the best survive.

These and the afore-mentioned Sudoku apps need to be trimmed. They’re clogging up the Games section.

Number of Poker apps needed? 1

 

#3 Levels

I will go ahead and say that anyone who has paid for a Level Application is an idiot.  Why?  Because Apple gives it away to developers!  It’s free!  The developer spent no money on it.  Just took code from Apple turned around and sold it to you.  Add this to the fact that I can really only come up with only 1 reason to necessitate this app, and wouldn’t you rather do it right and get a laser level?

Number of Level apps needed? 0

 

#2 Tip Calculators

This is maybe less an attack at developers, and more an attack at iPhone users.  If you can’t quickly figure out 15-20% of your bill, then you probably don’t deserve to own an iPhone. Plus! There’s a calculator already IN the phone.  

Hopefully this “magic” formula will help anyone struggling with figuring out how to tip:

TOTAL x 0.15 = TIP_AMOUNT
…. then …
TIP_AMOUNT + TOTAL = HOW_MUCH_YOU_PAY

And if you’re going out with friends who are terrible tippers, I suggest either confronting them on their stinginess, or de-pantsing them.

Number of Tip Calculator apps needed? 0

 

#1 To-do Apps

Can’t figure out what to do?  Desperately trying to procrastinate by downloading 1 more “GTD” app?  Well thankfully there are ~35 apps that you can download and pay for to do that!  This boggles the mind.  Especially because if I have something to do, the last place I want to type that into is my iPhone.  I’d rather write it on my hand!  And if you really are “Getting Things Done” wouldn’t you be using your computer?  And wouldn’t piddling around on your iPhone be the opposite of GTD?

All of this is amplified by the fact it’s more or less the SAME THING AS “NOTES”.  Here’s what I do when I’m in an on-the-go GTD pinch.  Open up “Notes”, type a list of things in, and then delete them as I finish them.  If you bought a To-Do App, coded one, or god-forbid are planning on coding one… I … I … I don’t know what to even say to you.

Number of To-do apps needed? 0

Honorable mentions for not-neededness:

• Weather Apps for [Insert City Here]: The iPhone comes with this kind of application already.
• All Fancy Calculators: The iPhone comes with this kind of application already.
• Any other contact manager
• Most apps that don’t use the CocoaTouch UI Elements
• Upload to Flickr App

Dave Rupert | October 1st, 2008 | Apple |